Quick jokes- I have an EpiPen. Spoiler My friend gave it to me as he was dying. It seemed very important to him that I have it. What's brown and sticky? Spoiler A stick What's brown and runny? Spoiler Usain Bolt Crazy Ex's are like chocolate Spoiler They'll kill your dog. Food is like dark humor. Spoiler Not everyone get's it. Women only call me ugly until they learn how much money I make. Spoiler Then they call me ugly and poor. Latvia jokes- -Man is hungry. He steal bread to feed family. Get home, find all family have gone Siberia! “More bread for me,” man think. But bread have worm. -What are one potato say other potato? A : Premise ridiculous. Who have two potato? -Latvian try to cross river. Has dog, potatoes, and dead son's body. Can only take two across river at one time. If he leave dog with potatoes or corpse, dog eat them. Is very sad. Also is not good boat. -One day, hear knock at door. Man ask "Who is?" - "Is potato man, I come around to give free potato." Man is very excite and opens door. Is not potato man, is secret police. -Latvian comedian say “What deal with potato?” Latvian crowd not laugh. Comedian squint into darkness, to see audience. There is no crowd. All die from malnourish. ( Latvian joke funny. ) Longer jokes- A jew and an Arab go to a bakery. The Arab immediately steals three pastries and puts them in his pocket. He says to the Jew, "See how good I am? The owner didn't see a thing." The Jew says to the Arab, "That's typical of you Arabs. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result." He goes to the owner of the bakery and says, "Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick." Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry. The Jew swallows it and asks for another one. The owner gives him another one. Then the Jew swallows that one and asks for a third pastry and eats that, too. The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks, "So what did you do with the pastries?" The Jew replies, "Look in the Arab's back pocket....." A koala is smoking a joint in his tree, when a lizard walks up and says "Hey koala what are you doing?" The koala answers "Smoking a joint, come up and have some." The lizard climbs up and the two share the joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is dry and excuses himself to a nearby river to have a drink. The lizard, so stoned, leans over too far and falls in. A crocodile swims out to rescue him. When they get onto dry land, the croc asks, "What's wrong with you, lizard?" The lizard tells him that he was smoking a joint with a koala, and he got too stoned and fell in while taking a drink. The croc has to see this for himself, so he asks the lizard to take him to the koala. When they get back to the tree, the croc looks up at the koala and says "Hey, you." The koala looks down and says "Shiiiit dude, how much water did you drink?" A Newfoundlander was walking home late at night and spots a woman in the Shadows. "Twenty dollars" she whispers. Perry had never been with a hooker before, but decides what the hell, it's only twenty bucks. So they hide in the bushes. They're going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It is a police officer. "What's going on here, people?" asks the officer. "I's makin' love to me wife!", the Newfoundlander answers, annoyed. "Oh! I'm sorry", says the cop. "I didn't know." "Well, neidder did I, 'til ya shined that light in 'er face!" A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary ... and he's wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed, pointing out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing. The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.' The woman returns the next day and to her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check, 'There's no charge.' 'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit,' she says. 'Honestly, ma'am,' the mortician says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.' 'So I just switched the heads.' I'LL BE HERE ALL NIGHT, FOLKS! ( None of these jokes are mine, just wanted you guys to have a laugh. )
A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."
@ Everyone Else You've been warned Spoiler: For Sheer Oh My God. Insanely Racist Joke (DONT EVEN THINK ABOUT INCLUDING THIS IN MY SUBMISSION) What did God say when he made the first black man? "Damn, I burnt one." If you are at all offended by this, as I expect someone to be, tell me and or a staff member to edit everything below the GIF out. This is only here for the sheer wtf To get the bad taste out of your mouth... How many hours of sleep does Fonz get a night? Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeh-ght hours.
Teacher: What does the chicken give you! Kids: Chicken! Teacher: Good! What does the cow give you! Kids: Beef Teacher: What does a fat pig give you!? Kids: HOMEWORK! If you don't get it the teacher says what's a pig give you kids are referring to the teacher as the pig. So they said homework!
A man walks into a library and says to the librarian, "do you have that book for men with small penises?" The librarian looks on her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet." "Yeah that's the one"
Do not skip ahead it will ruin the joke!! CHILI, TEXAS STYLE !!! Note from Frank: "Recently, while visiting Texas (I'm from Springfield, IL) I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original judge called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light beer booth, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that even though I was inexperienced as a Chili taster, the chili >wouldn't be all that spicy. Besides, they told me, I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3. Here are the scorecard notes from the event: CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick. Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild. Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy. CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang. Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face. CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers. Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting {censored}-faced from all of the beer. CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili. Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT ... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac? CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive. Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them. CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers. Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers and garlic. Superb. Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, >sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will >eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone. CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about judge number 3. He appears to be a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably. Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. Atleast during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach. CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili? Judge # 3 - No Report
Closing time at a bar, 2 cops sit in their patrol car waiting for drunk drivers. They keep their attention on a man who is obviously wasted fumble his keys and stumble to his car, Whilst the cops are watching this man fail many times, all of the drunk drivers drive away without getting arrested. After every person leaves except for this man, he finally gets in the car, The cops stop him and make him take a sobriety test and he passes, then they make him take a breathalyzer and it read 0.00. The cops were completely dumbstruck until the man said "Hello officers, tonight, I was your designated decoy. Good night" The man then drives away.
A nun, a priest, an Irishman, a Scotsman, a rabbi and a blonde walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and asks, "Is this some kind of joke?"
I like how you guys are posting so many jokes when you only need one, and it doesn't matter how many you post or how much effort you put into your post because it doesn't increase your chance of winning :V
Spoiler A: There's 500 bricks on a plane, 1 fell out. How many left? B: 499. A:Next question, what are the 3 steps to put an elephant in a fridge? B: Open fridge, put the elephant in, close the fridge. A:Next, what are the four steps to put a deer into the fridge? B: Open fridge, take out the elephant, put the deer in, close the fridge. A:Next question, it's the Lion King's birthday. Everyone is there except one animal, why is that? B: Because the deer is in the fridge. A:Next question, how can an old lady cross a river filled with crocodiles? B: She can just cross it normally, all the crocodiles are at the Lion King's birthday party. A: In the end, why did the old lady still died? B: I don't know... A: She got hit by the bricks
1. Have you heard of the movie Constipated? Spoiler: Show It hasnt come out yet 2. My dad threw a cheese grater at me, and i ran out of the room, he yelled "Come back here your UNGRATEFUL child". My mom saw it and told me if i had a SHRED of decency, i would go back there. Once i had returned, dad apologized to me and told me he had done it for th GRATER good. 3. A: Hey, have you seen my updog? B: Whats updog? A: Nothing much, what about you ? 4.I was walking around in a shirt with stalks of corn all over it and someone asked " What are you wearing?" and i said " its a CROP TOP"
TWO DRUMS AND A SYMBOL FALL OF A CLIFF BADUM TSSS HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
A man went to the doctor to get a physical. After the doctor examined him, he told the man he had some bad news: He had cancer and Alzheimer's. The man replied, '"Well, at least I don't have cancer."
So there was a 30 floor building on fire. There were three girls at the top. The fire department came and realized there ladder only reached up to the 20th floor. The bad part about this was that they were gonna have to jump, but the safety net was being repaired. So the firemen get a blanket and held it out for the three girls to jump. The three girls consisted of a brunette, red head, and a blonde. "Hey Brunette, you look like the smartest, you jump first!" the firemen said. So being the brave one, she jumped first. Down she went and all of a sudden, the firemen moved the blanket. *SPLAT* The firemen scraped her of into a ditch. "Hey Red Head, you're the next one to jump!" She wasn't so sure about that, seeing her friend in a ditch. "Oh well you're much prettier than she was, we won't let the same thing happen to you!" said the firemen. Being flattered, the red head decided to jump. Down she went, and the same thing happened. She was scraped off the road and put into the ditch. "Alright Blondie, your turn!" The blonde thinking she was smart, thinking she would trick the firemen, "How about you set down the blanket and back up so I land safely!" The firemen following her orders, proceeding the blonde to jump. Can you guess what happened to her? An original by Faithful
