ELITE COMPETITION

So there was me Guilty Cd Muffin, and i think Roz in a ts channel, basically I ah voice activation cause i was a lazy boi, and it was getting late, like 9:00 pm on a school night, I'm usually generous with myself, and go to bed around then. Well we had some dish, probably lemon chicken, and i had to put food away, well i was talking to them about a report, ya know joking around and stuff, almost getting karma banned as usual, and my mom comes and says "You should go to bed, and dont forget to put the rice away." Now remember i had voice activation on, so it picked up my mom's final thing "Put the rice away" and i can never live it down now.

 

Sooo heres my joke, enjoy :3
They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following: "Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time." "You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!" "Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

 

Hold up, this doesn't abide by the rules of Giveaways, this is a contest and not a giveaway. Excuse me sir but you'll have to psot this in Off-Topic or General Discussion.

 

It Is November 2016. The presidential race is over however given that everyone hated both candidates so much, no one voted

Congress is panicking as they don't know how they will pick the next president.

Obama then gets an idea, a literal race! Each candidate would run around the white house and whoever has the best time will win office.

Bernie goes first. Given that hes so old, he gets 24 minutes. Trump goes next and scores a solid 14 minutes. Hilary, determined to beat Trump, sprints as fast as she can and manages to get a time of 12:16.

"That's gotta be some kind of record" she says.

"I don't think so" says Obama "Bush did 9:11"

 

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

 

Yesterday I was kicked out of my mother-in-laws funeral. Apparently when the music started playing, I was the only one dancing.

Cheers for doin dis <3

 

Women make 70 cents to every dollar a man makes.

 

What is an Orphans favourite beer?

Fosters
sorry might be a little bit dark

 

Did you hear about the Italian chef that died?

Spoiler

He pasta way.

 

What do you call an alligator detective?
a investegator (kill me)

 

I know some very good puns, all of them are @Verified to include very cute dogs.

 

i dont know if this count as a joke....

A mother with her son in the kitchen

Son: mooom ... leave me alone! Don't pour guacamole over my head !!!

Mom: Shut up, Nacho.

 

How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?

Tentickles

 

Someone took my key to Microsoft Office: I will find them....they have my word.

(This one's from reddit a long time ago)

 

I mean like actually though, this is against the rules of a giveaway post. Like before when I first reported it, it was kind of a joke but it's just kinda annoying. A giveaway is chance based while a contest isn't. This isn't a giveaway and should be posted in Off-topic or the general discussion forums

 

can i still win?

if not entering for @Steven [BTH] now

 

The joke is that this is posted in Giveaways when its a contest.

 

ehh i didn't check if anyone said this one but since i can...
What's the difference between your work and your wife?
In 5 years your job will still suck.