ELITE COMPETITION

Entering for @Pandora
EDIT: Joke,
A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.

Spoiler: heh

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Id enter for @SoulReaperLV

Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side.

(Also this is technically not a giveaway)

 

Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa ... naked.

 

A man and his pet giraffe walk into a bar and start drinking. As the night goes on, they get drunk, and the giraffe finally passes out. The man decides to go home.

As he's leaving, the man is approached by the barkeeper who says, "Hey, you're not gonna leave that lyin' here, are ya?"

"Hmph," says the man. "That's not a lion -- it's a giraffe."

Entering for @Wex

 

A husband and wife have four sons. The oldest three are tall with red hair and light skin while the youngest son is short with black hair and dark eyes.

The father was on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me: Is our youngest son my child?"

The wife replied, "I swear on everything that's holy that he is your son."

With that, the husband passed away. The wife muttered, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."

 

Lets try my luck and go xD
-PhoonTheCookie

 

Your father wouldn't know how to pour piss out of a boot if the instructions were on the heel.

 

I was offered sex today, with a 21 year old girl, in exchange I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner to my friends. Of course I declined because I am a person of high moral standards with strong will power. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner, now available scented lemon or vanilla.

The only thing that would make this joke funnier is if I was ever actually offered sex.

 

Its not a one liner but its my favorite joke to tell ever.

So a new man walks into a bar. The bartender never seeing the man come here before, asks him, "What brings you here friend"? The new man reply's, "My name is Jim and I just lost my job". "What was your job?", said the bartender. t "I use to be a consultant", said Jim. "I never knew exactly what a consultant does", said the bartender. "Well, its a job where you need to be a logic thinker", said Jim. "A logic thinker?", said the bartender. "Its hard for me to explain that so, I'll just practice it on you" said Jim. "Do you have a dog?" said Jim. "Yes" replied the bartender. "So, that must mean you like animals, right?" said Jim. "Exactly" replied the bartender. "If you love animals then you must really love kids" said Jim. "Of course" replied the bartender. "So if you love kids that must mean you have one and that means you have a wife as well" said Jim. "Yes I have a beautiful wife but, how did you know that?" replied the bartender. "Its all logical" said Jim. "Now the last one, if you have a wife and a child that must mean that you aren't gay. Right?" said Jim. "Yup I'm not gay" said the bartender. "And that is what a logic thinker does" said Jim. "Wow that was really impressive" replied the bartender. "Welp I need to go find a new job now, adios" said Jim. "Good luck Jim" replied the bartender. 15 minutes past and a regular comes to the bar and asks the bartender, "Who was that guy?". "Oh, he was just a consultant. He taught me how to be a logic thinker" replied the bartender. "A logic thinker?" said the regular. "Well, let me practice it on you!" said the bartender. "Okay sure" replied the regular. "Okay, first do you have a dog?" said the bartender. "No I do not" replied the regular. "That means you're gay".

 

Dang it you should have just given it to me... anyways here i got one. Okay are you ready? Are you prepared? (this joke is very immature)

Spoiler: Immature Joke

Three men, a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree. Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby. "Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't know or cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you'll come with me to Hell."

The philosopher then stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' teachings." With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the philosopher disappeared.

The mathematician then asked, "Give me the most complicated formula ever theorized!" With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the mathematician disappeared too.

The idiot then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!" The Devil brought forward a chair. "Drill 7 holes on the seat." The Devil did just that. The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?" The Devil inspected the seat and said,"The third hole from the right." "Wrong," said the idiot, "it's from my asshole." And the idiot went to heaven.

 

There are 3 brothers who skateboard, named "Shit" "Fuck you" and "Manners". One day, they were skateboarding at a local park and Shit had fell down. Manners went to go help him, while Fuck You was leaving the park and was stopped by a police officer. The officer asked "What's your name?" where the brother replied "Fuck You." The officer then asked with frustration "Watch your language! Where's your manners?" only to have Fuck You reply with "He's picking up Shit in the park."

 

my name

(thx togo <3)

 

(This is all one large joke)
Q: If there are 100 bricks on a plane, and you throw one out, how many are left?

A: 99

Q: There are three easy steps to put an elephant in the fridge. What are they?

1) Open the fridge

2)Put the elephant in the fridge

3)Close the fridge

Q: There are four easy steps to put a deer in the fridge. What are they?

1) Open the fridge

2) Take the elephant out

3) Put the deer in

4) Close the fridge

Q: The Lion King is having a party and all of the animals went to the party except one of them. Why is that?

A: The deer is still in the fridge

Q: A woman walks through an alligator-infested swamp but survives without a scratch on her. How is this possible?

A: The alligators are at the Lion King's party

Q: The woman dies anyway. Why is that?

A: She was hit on the head with a brick

Thank you for reading this joke till the end and thanks for this giveaway

 

Gratz on mod and Im down count me in

 

What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say?
Beat it. We’re closed.

 

I'm sorry that i couldnt come up with very many good ones off the top of my head but here you go i hope they're dank enough. Thanks for this giveaway

Spoiler: JOKEEEEEES

also since i realize it just said one joke i'll say that i like the last one best if i have to choose only one

 

Two lepers play poker. One threw in his hand, the other laughed his head off.

Spoiler: For those not familiar with leprosy...

Basically, it's a disease with a common misconception that it causes limbs to fall off, hence the "threw in his hand, laughed his head off" portion of the joke.

 

“The story so far:
In the beginning the Universe was created.
This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.”

― Douglas Adams

Enterng for @Dean W. - good mod and I have had good experiences with him.

 

What's the best time to go to the dentist?

Two thirty.

(Say it out loud if you don't get it)

 

A recent scientific study showed that out of 2,293,618,367 people, 94% are too lazy to actually read that number.